


The Carrot and the Dick

by orphan_account



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/M, LSD carrots, Pegging, Seeeeex, Self-Discovery, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 17:51:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15272982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Penny enjoys finding Kady again and not just because of the wild psychedelic sex they have the night before the bank robbery.





	The Carrot and the Dick

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the fandom's summer bingo challenge.
> 
> Huge thanks to @WildeBones for the beta and reminding me how to use commas and word order!
> 
> Shout-out to @sullyandlulu for helping me find a punny title.

 

“Welcome to Chez Hoberman.”  Josh sweeps into the room, lights blinking on with the snap of his fingers.  To the right of the door planters cover the wall and the other side hosts some shelves with books, a small table, and two chairs.  It looks like a corner of the Brakebills library. In the middle of the room a display case is filled halfway with dirt and young, green shoots peek out at regular intervals.

“You’re welcome to whatever,” Josh waves a hand, “just don’t eat the carrots.  They’re totally psychedelic for some reason.” Josh gestures towards the display case, staring down at them.  “Circumstances in the Neitherlands are super weird.”

Penny stores the information for future use.  If he has to take his neural patch off before the Beast is dead he’s going to be back for those carrots...if he doesn’t die first.

*** 

Somehow Penny survives, albeit with a fucked up hand situation, but he’ll live.  At least he can Travel. Josh promises him unlimited future drugs if he brings his Neitherlands garden back to the Physical cottage.  Penny pretends to consider it for a moment before he grins and says yes. Like he can turn down an offer like that. He remembers what one baby LSD carrot did for Eliot.

*** 

He runs into Kady in the library.  Literally. Eventually, she tells him why she’s there.  He can’t help but grin, excitement bubbling in his chest.

They’re going to rob a bank.

*** 

Planning is hilarious.  Margo is hilarious, the Eliot Golem is hilarious.  Even angsty Julia is hilarious - well not hilarious, enjoyable to a certain degree considering she’s the reason why he can’t cast.  Even having weird regrown hands that can’t cast is kind of hilarious.

Penny tries to hide how elated he is to be near Kady again.

Even seeing her with Julia isn’t enough to make him feel differently.  He can share...as long as it’s Julia. He gets it. They fit well together.  Julia makes her softer and Penny, well he’s happy as long as Kady is.

*** 

Penny’s getting out the shot glasses when Kady saunters in, smiling playfully and waving a large pointer finger in his direction.  It looks odd, attached to her normal, more delicate fingers. He busies himself with the booze to keep his eyes away.

“So he really just stuck that in your mouth?”

Kady shows it off, flashing a half smile.  “That’s how the spell works.”

He catches himself before he can start staring and casts his eyeline around, trying to find something else to focus on.  He can almost feel it; he doesn’t know why it’s so fascinating.

“Unexpectedly, I’m somehow turned on right now.”  He’s as confused about it as Kady is amused.

“Oh, really?”  She steps closer.

Aaaaaaand of course Quentin arrives right in time to fuck up their flow.  At least he isn’t singing Taylor Swift again.

He won’t ever admit it, but he got a flash of Quentin staring at a dirty brick wall, legs spread as that cougar palmed his ass.  Mostly because Quentin’s wards are shit and he leaks. Everywhere.

Penny ignores the way something in his pelvis clenches low and hard.

*** 

Somehow laughing at Quentin turns into laughing at Josh which turns into laughing at Eliot.  Penny knows he’s a little too drunk when he tells Kady about Eliot and the carrots and how the soon-to-be High King was high as fuck for 12 hours.  He even tells her about how Eliot made out with a tree two minutes after they got to Fillory. Not a talking one, though (yeah those exist), a normal pine which apparently he was really into.  He even read it a haiku. In Ancient Sumerian.

Kady is spread out beside him on the floor, giggling uncontrollably when Penny decides to do it.

“Wait here.”  He scrambles to his feet, using the piano to help pull himself up.  “I need to grab something.”

“How long should I wait?” Kady shouts at his back as he walks across the room.

He flips her the bird and interrupts Josh and a random first year who, for some reason, is staring adoringly up at that glasses nerd.

“I need a carrot.”

“All riiiiiight, my dude!”  Josh enthuses, grinning lazily.

Penny rolls his eyes.  “Now,” he bites out, fingers tapping against his leg.  He reconsiders and tries again. “Please.”

Josh nods sagely.  “Sure, bro. Just a mo.” Josh chuckles at himself as he steals the girl’s cigarette and pulls a long drag.

Penny’s too young to deal with this shit.  Or old. Whatever.

“Look, can you just tell me where they are?”

Josh laughs, “Ask and ye shall receive, young padawan.”  He leans forward and pulls a carrot out from behind Penny’s ear.  “The leaves make things,” he settles back into his spot with wicked grin, “interesting.”

Penny grabs it and makes his way back to Kady, throwing a vague thanks in Josh’s direction as he heads back to Kady.  She’s lying where he left her, staring up at the ceiling. She’s never looked more beautiful, hair splayed around her head.

She tilts her head to look at him and for a moment he’s distracted, drawn into her warm, dark eyes.

“Come on.  There’s something I want to try.”  He smiles at her as he offers a hand to pull her up.  She stumbles a little, falling into him, and he steals a quick hug before grabbing her arm and leading her up the stairs to her room.

She steps in front of him to open her door, her right hand shaping Proper 3 and 6 and another little wiggle that doesn't look like anything he’s ever learned in an unlocking spell.  Her borrowed finger makes it awkward and he catching himself following its path as she grips the handle and turns.

She reaches back and takes his hand, guiding him into the dimly lit room.  He’s acutely aware of that damn borrowed finger. He’s sure it’s hotter on his forearm than the others, slightly larger and wider as it presses into his flesh.

An impression skitters through his head - a flash of fantasy - slowly pressing into him, dragging against his rim and he has to suck in a breath to steady himself.  The visual anchors itself in the front of his mind, burns the last of the alcohol off in absurge of need. That did not come from him.

Penny stares hard at Kady as she tosses herself on to the bed, making it bounce a little.  She slowly, deliberately places her right hand on her hip until it’s framed against the dark backdrop of her jeans.

Suddenly nervous, Penny produces the carrot, holding it between them.  She huffs a laugh. “That’s the saddest carrot I’ve ever seen.”

Penny looks down.  The leaves are crushed in a too tight grip.

He shrugs. “Whatever.  I’m eating it, not taking menu pictures.”

“You?” Penny’s glad she’s amused, not pissed.

“Yeah, I want to try something new tonight.” He considers it for a moment, “well, two things.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Well, this is getting interesting.  Care to share?”

Penny blurts it out, nowhere near as confident as he had hoped.

“Iwantyoutofuckme.”

Kady looks confused.  “I’m sorry, what?”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out before trying again, his hands forming as fist, nails digging into his palm.  

.  “I want you to fuck me.”

Kady’s grin is slow to grow, full of bright, glistening teeth.  Penny relates so hard to Little Red Riding Hood right now.

“Fuck.” The word explodes out, a hard push of air.  “Yes let’s do that.” She sounds a little breathless.  “What’s the second thing?”

“I really want to try this LSD carrot. Eliot looked liked he was having so much fun by hour three.”  Penny quirks a brow and Kady grins back.

“Well, let’s get started.”

Penny grins as he bites the carrot in half with a crack.

*** 

Half a hour later Penny’s on his hands and knees, feeling a little too vulnerable.  Kady runs one hand down his back and sides, soothing him while the other reaches around and grips him loosely, jacking him off slowly until he stops twitching every time she touches him.  She gets some signal because she shifts and starts peppering his ass with close-mouthed kisses. He groans as her hand slides down his side one more time, firmer than before, and keeps going, thumb sweeping along the curve of his ass and pulling his cheek so she can blow on his asshole.  He suppresses a shiver as the cool air hits it.

Kady pulls away for a moment, whispering something under her breath before she’s back, fingers slick and cool as they squeeze his balls before sliding up and back, rubbing in circles.  Her hand changes direction and goes down, this time teasing his dick before completing the circle and returning to press against his hole. He relaxes into it, back arching a little and her movements change again.

One hand is on his dick again, lightly pulling as one finger pushes against his hole.  It feels odd, like nothing he’s ever felt before and he’s not sure he likes it, but he’s been so curious since Q accidentally flashed on his Margo/Eliot threesome and Penny’s knees almost buckled right in the middle of the Cottage.

She works her finger in and out, and somehow he’s

that she’s fucking him with that borrowed finger.  He’s starting to enjoy the slight drag on his rim when she stiffens her finger into a hook and drags down. The finger presses on something inside and he grunts and sags, dropping his head onto the bed between his elbows.

“There we go.” Kady sounds pleased.  “I thought I’d lost my touch.”

The finger slips out and two touch him, pressing down and in at the same time so they intensify the stretch.  It’s just this side of painful and he can’t get enough. Kady sighs and releases his dick, fingers sweeping around his hip and grabbing a handful of his ass, massaging it in firm circles.

It pulls on his rim and between that and her thumb rubbing him he can’t help but groan and push back against her until her knuckles are against him, stretching him ever so slightly.

It feels good.  Better than he expected.

Kady backs off his prostate, stretching him without the tingle from before.  It’s enough to keep him on the edge, yet so fucking he’s relaxed he can’t find the energy to push himself over.

Kady continues until he muffles a whine, then rubs both hands down Penny’s back before getting off the bed.  He hears a drawer open and manages to flip over in time to watch her shake out a bunch of leather strips, connected with metal loops, and a small pink silicone dildo with a flared base.  It’s barely bigger than two fingers and is shorter than his own dick. It manages to look completely unassuming and is still vaguely threatening as Kady tightens it into place.

Her tongue is sticking out, pressed between her teeth.

Penny is thrown back to the afternoon of their one month anniversary - not that he’ll ever admit that he thought about it that way. Kady paced frantically at the end of his bed, studying furiously, tongue sticking out in exactly the same manner.  She was triyng to remember the Circumstance for bringing a seed to fruit in the tenth lunar cycle in a tropical environment. She gave up, threw her flashcards in the air, and cussed the hell out of the ceiling over a spell that only a Naturalist would ever use anyway.

He’s jolted back to the present by Kady’s voice. “You okay, babe?”

Penny nods, speechless as she gets on her knees and shuffles towards him, whispering into her hands as she does that handy lube spell again.  He doesn;t catch that whole extra hedge thing, but it looks like a bastardization of Proper 46. He can’t tear his eyes away from her fingers she slides them up and down her fake dick.

He realizes she’s going to put that inside him.

He realizes she’s going to hold him down and drive into him again and again until he comes.

He realizes he keeps peeking at that stupid borrowed finger as she grips him by the hips and pulls him onto her lap.

Her face is fuzzy and he tries to reach up and rub it until he can see her clearly but somehow he blinks slow enough and she’s in hyperfocus.  His gaze follows the curve of her breast and the line of her hip, narrowing in and following the line of the leather.

She’s double checking he’s ready but he can feel anything but the tingle in his palms and feet.  It’s weird to feel pressure against his ass but not feel anything and he watches her press the tip against him.

He grunts because he thinks he should. It’s explosively loud in the quiet of the room and Kady arches an eyebrow at him.

She takes his dick in hand and holds it as she pushes in slowly.

He feels like he should feel something.  Feel. Feelfeelfeelfeelfeel. He tries smiling.  Frowning. Opening his mouth as wide as it’ll go. Nothing. Kady is giggling above him.

“Shouldn't I -” he doesn't finish as she settles against him and everything snaps into focus. 

Penny groans long and low.  The dildo is fucking _vibrating_ . How did he miss that?  It’s pressing against his prostate and sending his pleasure center into overdrive and he can feel _every single neuron firing_.

The tingle spread towards his torso and his back itches. Kady is sliding out and back in and just like that she’s fucking him.

It’s too much and not enough and for a moment he’s sure he has two assholes and he wants her to put something in other one, too, and it’s all so confusing he chokes out a sob.

She shushes him and wipes away a tear that turns into a sapphire on her thumb before spreading his thighs out and he’s starting at that borrowed finger again.

It feels so good but he can’t feel his bones. What did she do with his bones? He panics and writhes beneath her, looking for his femur, crying out because how can he feel this good when he lost his _bones_? Her hand moves down past his knee and digs his fingers into to his shin as she shifts and drives into him a little more firmly.

Thank fucking God. What if he came without them?  Would he ever see them again? 

He arches against Kady and she leans down to bite his chest, leaving little holes to plant her new garden tomorrow and he can’t think because somehow he’s turning into a star and exploding, cumming harder than he’s ever done and it tastes like orange Skittles and he follows that feeling down, world narrowing to where Kady’s fingers slide into him again, pushing on his Office Depot button and he’s jerking as she pulls a string of flags out of his dick...

*** 

Penny groans and flings his arm over his eyes, shielding them from the too bright morning light.  He smacks his mouth slowly, owner of the most disgusting cotton mouth in all time. Somehow he manages to turn over on his stomach and hide under his pillow.

Kady giggles and he can feel the mattress springs shift as she moves until she’s draped over his back.

A moment later he stiffens.

Kady’s voice is flatter in the recording but perfectly clear and he can hear her grinning. “What are you doing there, babe?”

“I’m airing out my nipples, Kady. What does it look like?” Penny’s voice is peeved and high pitched.

Kady giggles into his back, the vibrations sinking into his spine. “Wait until you see what you were doing.”

Penny puts up with another 30 minutes of Kady’s teasing before he gives up on sleep or even feeling human again without coffee and hauls her up.  He grumbles and bitches and giggles a couple times because he can't help it.

He hasn't seen Kady this happy since before the Trials.

**Author's Note:**

> Circumstances is capitalized as a shout-out to the book.


End file.
